1 a.m. - I am awake and trying my best to fall back to sleep.
2:05 a.m. - I try to life coach myself to sleep. I do a mental check to see if anything is bothering me. No, I think to myself. All is good here. Then my mind wanders into my last client of the day and how happy I was for him to find his passion. I feel so grateful that he finally trust me to open up fully and let me into his inner thoughts. I had an enormous feeling of being thankful. Even though I am not a religious person, I have a great urge to pray. Still, in bed, I put my hands together and pray. I pray silently in the dark not to wake my husband who is sound asleep next to me with our two dogs. I thank God for giving me the power and inner wisdom to help Steven* find passion and help guild him to help himself find his happiness. I am so grateful for finding my gift to assist him in his life’s journey. I felt happy and I felt blessed. I felt the excitement that I could not put to rest. After the prayer, I felt joy, excitement, and feeling grateful.
3:45 a.m. - I gave up trying to life coaching myself to sleep. Now my only option is to give into science. I open my nightstand and reach for my reliable sleeping pill. I break it into two with my teeth and only take half of the pill in hopes that I will not be too drowsy in the morning. Hopefully, it will help me get the rest I need for the night.
4:33 a.m. – Pills did not work! I got out of bed and quietly walked into my office. I need to dump my thought or my thoughts will keep me up all night. Lucky for me, today is Sunday and the only thing I had planned for the day is walking my dogs and shopping for dog food. So I sat in front of my computer listing my timeline for my insomnia, I had no idea what I was going to write about. I look around my dark office trying to figure out why did I had the urge to write. Then I remember while in bed, my mind is overexcited and I need to purge my thoughts. Now I realized writing down on pen and paper should have been a better choice to consider that computer blue light is less than an idea for an active mind.
There is something special about being alone, in the dark knowing that you are the only one up at your house. The feeling of stillness is magical in the darkness. When I was single, I use to wake up at 2 a.m. often on the weekends to write. It was my most creative time. I felt the same joy sitting in the darkroom. Me and my inner thoughts. No one to distract me. No chorus in the house calling my name. not pet coming over wanting to play fetch. No husband wants my options. Or a child that has to be parented. No laundry needs to be put in the dryer. Yes, it’s me and me alone. It has been a long time. Since the quarantine, like most of us, our home has become a refuge to a partner who used to work outside the house, kids who now are also schooled. I never had this moment of aloneness. I took a deep breath with a little bit of excitement. I am alone in this house, totally alone with my thoughts. Even though, I cannot physically make noise and dance around my living room in fear of waking up the household. I felt such joy as if I found a hiding place.
It is 5:09 a.m. and only three days into the year 2021, I am hopeful this year that I can find more of this place, my place but maybe not at the expense of losing sleep.
*Name of the client has been changed to protect his privacy.
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